When a brother goes...

It’s hard to believe that Lindsay would have turned 25 last Saturday. He always seemed younger than that in my mind. I guess younger siblings always seem younger than they actually are, probably because you are always looking out for and trying to protect them.

I remember riding in the ambulance to the hospital and being asked how old he was, I replied 21-22. It was only afterwards that I remembered he was nearly 24. And now he has just missed his 25^th Birthday. He still seems younger than that to me.

When I have dreams that he is in, he is always about 12 years old. I am always trying to look out for him and he is always doing something that I don’t want him to. I guess I should realise that you can’t always look out for your brothers and protect them from the world. Maybe that’s what my dreams are trying to tell me and after everything that has happened, you would think I know that.

But I still try to protect Lindsay, even if it’s only in my dreams…

Today is the day. A year ago Lindsay died.

In some ways a lot has happened, in others not a lot has. Life has continued its slow plod along day by day. But looking back it has flown past very quickly. I think about Lindsay and that night every single day. It may be a quick flash in my minds eye; it may be on my mind all day. Sometimes I think of him and I have to stop and remind myself that he isn’t around. It’s easy to forget that he has died, and it’s hard to remember what he was like. Slowly his face and voice fades in my memory, only phrases and little actions he use to do stand out in my mind. And it is these that I find the hardest; the dreams I have where he is alive and having fun, upset me the most.

I wish Lindsay was still around.

In the movies they pull back the sheet, the person identifying say’s “that’s him”, they start crying and leave. It didn’t really work like that. They prepared me before I entered the room, by telling me that I would see a body on the table with a white sheet pulled up to their chin, and that they needed me to state if I knew who it was. That’s just what happened. I walked into the room and there was Lindsay laying on the table, under a white sheet, just his head sticking out the top. He looked peaceful; No expression on his face, just calm. Though he was looking a little blue and yellowish; the blood was already starting to drain from his face. There was also a tube sticking out of his mouth. That was from where they had been operating on him, trying to get him to start breathing again. I told the police that it was my brother Lindsay David Auld and we left the room.

We were told that we could all go in and see him. Mum, Dad and I were first. Again, we were prepared before entering as to what we would see. Lindsay was still there on the table as I had seen him earlier, but he also had one arm exposed so we could see and hold his hand. I don’t really remember what we said to him, though I know we were all crying; we all wanted him back. We probably spent 10 minutes in there with him saying goodbye and stroking his hair. His skin was already very cold and his arm was very stiff. I didn’t like to touch him; he just didn’t feel like my brother. It felt like a wax model…

The others took their turns to go to see Lindsay and say their good-byes. I went in after everyone else to say my final good bye. I wanted to tell him how much I looked up to him; how I admired him for all the shit he put up with and pulled through when he was younger. How I always wished the best for him; how I always tried to look out for him... How I was sorry I couldn’t save him... How I wished he would come back...

The police wanted either Christian or I to go back to the flat and talk them through what happened there. They need to see the “scene” to make sure there was nothing suspicious. And no one was allowed to go back there until they gave us permission. Christian volunteered to go; I was in no condition to head back there that night.

The hospital had organised a hotel room for us to stay in down the road. We left the hospital about 4:00am. Everyone headed home who could. My parents and I walked down to the hotel. Christian and his mother, she had driven down from Newcastle too, left with the police. We checked into the hotel and I called my boss at 4:30am to tell him what happened and that I wouldn’t be in to work for a while. He answered pretty quickly, and was very understanding; telling me to take as long as I needed. I hung up telling him that I would call on the weekend.

I’m not sure if I really went to sleep or just passed out from exhaustion. I remember hearing my dad sobbing in his bed. I slept poorly with a lot of tossing and turning; images flashing in my head of the previous 8 or so hours. I woke early, about 7am; mum was awake sitting by the window, the light flowing in from the world outside... A world where my brother wasn’t alive… I had no idea what this day was going to bring.

It was just before 11:30. There was a commotion outside, a half shout, and my Dad burst through the door. I got up and met him a few steps in to the room. He took one look and knew what had happened. I didn’t need to say anything. He broke down just like I had. He went from despair to anger to sadness. The uselessness and frustration that he couldn’t help Lindsay and the anger that Lindsay had been taken. He had raced all those cars for nothing.

It was the first time I had seen my dad cry so hard, be so vulnerable, so weak and so old. He seemed to age before my eyes, I knew this was going to take a hard toll on my dad.

After things had calmed down a little, I was able to tell dad everything. Looking back at it, I was amazed that I was so calm. I think I was completely drained.

While I waited for my mum and other family (aunts and uncles) to arrive; I went outside to call my girlfriend Ursula. She later said that as soon as I called her phone she knew something was wrong. It wasn’t a long call, just enough for me to say what had happened and what I knew. She never met Lindsay; I wish that she had had the opportunity. She was visiting her family in Adelaide, she offered to come back to Sydney but I said it would be fine for her to stay down. I promised to keep her informed over the weekend and I went back inside to wait for my mum.

My aunt and uncle turned up in the hour before mum arrived. Naturally everyone was sad and shocked. I went through the story again.

I remember sitting there in the room with my dad, aunt, uncle, Christian and Colleen. I looked up and saw my mum standing at the door. She looked old, sad and withered. She was going through hell and back in her mind. We formed around her and cried and sobbed… We all wanted this bad dream to go way. We wanted Lindsay to be back, to come through the door and be ok.

And then I realised; I hadn’t spoken to Adrian. Did he know? Adrian lives in Melbourne studying acting at VCA. Mum said she had called him and told him to go get some friends around for comfort. She said he didn’t take it well over the phone. We needed to get him on a plane up here to Sydney. I decided to give him a call.

He didn’t sound good on the phone. He was choked up with tears like me. He had called some friends and they had come around. He has a good friendship circle down there. I told him I’d book the first flight in the morning for him straight away. He was going to arrive in Sydney about 7am.

A little while later, we had the doctors come in and talk to us all about what had happened from their end. And what they thought the reasons were. Basically they had very little in the way of theories or answers to our questions. They needed to do an autopsy.

We pushed for donation of Lindsay’s organs; it was what he would have wanted. But they were reluctant because they need to do an autopsy and analyse all the organs to determine the cause of death. We later found out that they were able to take his eyes and bone marrow. (His eyes were donated to two different people and helped save their sight)

Also into the room came two detectives from the local police station. The police are called when ever a person dies suddenly without any obvious cause. They naturally had questions that they needed answers to. They questioned Christian and I about what we were doing at the time and what was going on etc. We went through the story again. I wasn’t offended that they asked some hard questions, it was their job. They had to treat the situation as suspicious until proven otherwise.

They also needed the body identified. They wanted me to do it. This was going to be the first time I would see Lindsay knowing he was dead. Knowing that everything wasn’t going to be alright or get better.

I guess we arrived at the hospital about 9:45 and were placed in the “quiet room” to wait. My fears were being confirmed, I knew what the quiet room was for. There was nothing left for us to do but wait…

My Dad called again to tell me that he was refuelling and to see if we had any news. I told him we were at the hospital but not that we were in the quiet room. He didn’t need to know that while he was driving, though I know he was thinking the worst already. He would have heard it in my voice. He wouldn’t be there until about 11:30pm.

Water was fetched and so was the social worker on duty. A lovely lady called Colleen. I knew what was coming and I started to prepare myself for the worst news I could ever imagine. The news came about 10:30 I think. A doctor and nurse came in and spoke to Christian and me.

Lindsay had died. He was pronounced dead at 9:50pm. One hour after his collapse. An hour of CPR had not produced any response and he had not been revived. He was dead. I broke down, I lost it. Christian held me as I laid there wrenching with tears and grief.

I had to call my Mum; I knew that she would be waiting by the phone. She would be home from work by now. I started to make the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. Mum picked up and all I could blurt out was “Mum, I’m sorry. Lindsay’s is dead, he didn’t make it.” I could hear Mum break down on the other end and ask through tears, “Eric, what are you saying? I don’t understand what you are saying? Where’s Lindsay?”. “Lindsay died Mum…” I couldn’t take it any more and I fell apart. Colleen took the phone off me and talked to her. She tried telling Mum why I was calling and what had happened. But it was hard, my Mum hung up.

Suddenly I was really worried about my Mum. She was home alone, lumped with this news. I tried calling back straight away and couldn’t get through. Colleen got the names of a few family friends from me, I didn’t have their numbers. She went to find them on the net so we could call them and tell them to go to my Mum.

A few attempts later I got through and spoke to Mum again. She had already called family friends, Pat and Barry, and they were on their way over. They were going to pick her up and give her a lift down; they would probably be there about 1ish in the morning. We also agreed not to tell Dad by phone. There was no need to tell him while he was driving down, I would tell him when he got here.

So for the moment all I could do was sit there, wait and think. Minutes seemed to take hours to go by. I was in a complete daze and entirely drained. I wanted to wake from this horrible dream…

I spun around and instantly knew something was wrong. His head was twisted to his right and his body rigid. His legs kicked out straight and his arms contracted to his chest. His eyes were open wide and were full of panic. I stepped over to him yelling his name though didn’t respond he just snorted and gasped for breath. I pulled him out of the chair and placed him on the ground. I tried to straighten his legs and yelled for Christian to call for and ambulance. It was 8:50pm on Thursday night the 24^th of August 2006.

Lindsay still wasn’t responding to my yells, his eyes had become vacant and his body still. I checked his pulse; there was none. His breathing had stopped. I immediately started CPR, breathing for him and compressing his chest while Christian was on the phone. Christian came over with the phone and helped with the CPR. The lady on the phone gave us some extra tips to help with our technique.

One of the most striking images imprinted in my mind that I can’t ever forget is the last gasp for breath Lindsay took. We had started CPR and after my compressions he jerked up about a foot and gasped for breath. He looked at me as I was still leaning over him though I don’t know if he saw me. There was nothing but panic and fear in his face for that split second. He collapsed back to the ground never to stir again.

I knew Lindsay was in a bad way when after about a minute of CPR his bowels released… We continued CPR until the Ambulance arrived. On the night it felt like the ambulance was there in 3-4 minutes, it was actually 10mins before they arrived. While Lindsay needed my direct attention I was fine. I continued CPR when Christian ran down to let the Paramedics in, but as soon as they were in the room taking over from me, I broke down into a heap on the floor and started gagging. This was a bad dream that I wanted to wake from, I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me or my little brother. I already knew what the outcome was going to be, even if I was hoping that the paramedics could do what I could not.

The paramedics continued with CPR and started up the defibrillator. I sat on the lounge watching helplessly as they yelled clear and shocked him. With every shock his body arched off the floor and fell back to the ground. Just the sound was painful. I remember one of the paramedics remark to another, “This is strange, his heart beats twice every time we shock him and then stops again.”

After a few moments of the paramedics working on Lindsay I realised that my Dad and Mum need to know what was happening. My Dad wouldn’t even be home yet, he would still be on the freeway driving home. My Mum would be about to finish work. I picked the phone though was unable to call my Dad. Christian called him for me. “Graeme, this is Christian. Lindsay has had a seizure and has collapsed. The paramedics are here and we are going to RPA. You need to come back down now. But drive safely.”

After 30 mins of working on Lindsay on my lounge room floor trying to get a response, any response. They needed to move him to the ambulance and then to the hospital. Because of my apartment we needed to carry him down the stairs on a fold-out/make-shift stretcher. As we carried him out and down the stairs his eyes were already starting to cloud over. I knew that Lindsay wasn’t going to come back. If by some miracle he did; it wasn’t in any state that we would recognise.

My phone rang while placing Lindsay in the Ambulance, it was my Mum. She said that Dad had called her and she was heading home from work to get some clothes and would wait my call. Dad had turned around on the freeway and was heading back as fast as he could. Though, at his fastest it would still be an hour and a half before he arrived at RPA.

Lindsay was placed in one ambulance and raced off, Christian and I hopped in another, two had answered the call and we followed. I was starting to feel really sick at my mind raced. This kind of thing only happens to other people. Why me? Why Lindsay? I guess we are the other people to everyone else…

In the morning I got up to an overcast day and left for work about 9am; I woke Lindsay briefly to ask him to do the washing up and put his bedding away before dad got down in the afternoon. And he went back to sleep on the lounge room floor with the flat air mattress, a very typical Lindsay reaction.

As I had mentioned before my parents were going on holiday to NZ on the Saturday. My dad was coming down to on Thursday afternoon to pick up my car, so he could drive it back to and bring all his and my mothers luggage down rather than catch the train with it. (If anyone has caught the train from to they would know how dreadful the trip is… approx 3-3.5 hrs each way.

I got home after work about 6:30pm to find my dad sitting in the lounge room reading a book with Lindsay sitting on the couch playing Halo, all his bedding still on the floor and the washing up not done. Dad said he had been at my place since about 4pm and Lindsay had been madly playing when he got there and hadn’t stopped the entire time. This showed, because Lindsay was on the very last stage of the game. It is the stage where you have to drive the buggy out of the exploding ship. Lindsay always had trouble with this, so he asked me to do it for him after a couple of attempts. He basically finished the entire game of Halo in 1 day. Even I don’t think I could do that...

I quizzed Lindsay about what happened to taking photos in the city and he replied that since it was a cloudy day he decided to just vege out and play Halo. After all there was always tomorrow to take photos… This is about the time I got a little pissed at Lindsay for not doing what I asked of him. It was the first time my Dad had been to my place and I would have like it to been nice and clean. I put his bedding away and started to do the washing up which prompted him to jump in and take over from me.

LindsaysLastPhoto

While he washed up I sat down to talk to dad about the new digital camera that he had bought that day for his trip away. Dad was just taking random photos of me and Lindsay while we had played Halo just to see what the quality was like. I don’t even think I posed for a photo… Here you can see the last photo ever of my brother. It was taken about 2 hours before he died.

By now it was nearly 7:15; Christian had gotten home about 7pm and shot out for a bike ride. And Dad needed to get moving if he wanted to be home in (45mins north of ) before 10:30pm. I asked if dad wanted any dinner and he said no because he and Lindsay had heated up and eaten the last two pieces of pizza around 5pm. And that he would get something on the way.

Dad left and I started to work out what Lindsay and I were going to eat for our dinner. Since I was going food shopping the next day Lindsay had to settle for a couple of toasted cheese sandwiches. I wish I had more food around and cooked something a little grander. Lindsay suggested having something to drink with dinner. That was fine with me as long as he was the one walking up the hill to the bottle shop. He grabbed orders from Christian and me and walked out the door. I commented to Christian that he would forget our orders and call when he got up the road… About 10 mins later my phone rang. Sure enough Lindsay was on the other end asking what I wanted. I never thought a six pack of Tooheys Extra Dry and four pack of black Smirnoff was that hard to remember, but that was Lindsay.

I remember thinking that Lindsay was taking too long to get back from the shop and getting a little anxious. I had picked up the phone to call him when the door buzzer rang, I guess he wasn’t lost. We all sat down to eat (Christian had heated himself up some pasta he cooked the night before), opened our drinks and watched some TV.

We had all finished eating and were discussing what xbox game we were going to play while we relaxed during the night and had our couple of drinks. (Lindsay had bought himself 2 cans of Bundaberg Rum). Lindsay was saying that he wanted to play Halo; Christian and I were pushing for something a little more skilled, like Ghost Recon. After not really finding a compromise I agreed to put on Halo.

Christian took the dinner plates into the kitchen while I knelt down with my back to Lindsay to put the game in the drive. Lindsay was in the white single seat chair in the Lounge roomwhich you can see in my photos. He was saying something to me though I wasn’t really listening, it was something about Halo. Then something happened that got my attention; Lindsay started this strange grunting sound…

So anyway, I was expecting Lindsay about 8:30-9am on Wednesday morning the 23^rd of August. At 7:00 in the morning my phone rings with Lindsay on the other end. He’s in the city waiting for a tram and wants to know what station he needs to get off at. I wasn’t planning on getting out of bed until just after 8am; I guess I was having an early start. Lindsay messaged me at 7:37 saying “Im on the tram”. I never thought that it would be the last text message I would get from him.

I met him at the station, I was late and he had been waiting about 10 mins. We went back to my place and chatted for a little while, just about him seeing Rodney off and the fact that he was moving out of home. He had organized to move in with a friend in Newcastle. This was big news for him, I remember thinking that Lindsay was never going to get his stuff together and move out of home. He was always at my parents place on the computer playing games. That was his life outside of work…

Well, long story short, I leave for work and give him a set of keys. He was heading into the city to do some shopping and site seeing. I later found out that he went to a book shop and bought a few Manga comics. He was a big fan of the Full Metal Alchemist series and found 4 of the comics he was collecting. He got volumes 5-8 to complete his set, then went to Hyde Park and sat in the sun reading his other book that he took with him.

Later that night when I got home, he was playing Halo on the xbox; it was his favorite first person shooter. Lindsay use to whinge about the controllers saying that he wasn’t very good with them, but he would certainly learn fast…

We ordered pizza from around the corner, had a drink and played the xbox. Nothing that exciting, just brothers hanging out together. I ribbed Lindsay a bit about not taking photos when he was out during the day. But he said that the next day was going to be better and today he just wanted to shop… we went to bed about 11ish and that’s about it.

Tomorrow was going to be a very long day, even if I didn’t know yet…

Happy Birthday Lindsay!

You would have been 24 today. I am going to miss you heaps mate...

The hardest thing is remembering that you aren’t around anymore and I won’t have the chance to do the stuff we use to do together ever again.

I wish you were still here. I hope where ever you are you are happy...

Lindsay had a few days off from his three jobs in the second last week of August, something practically unheard of. He decided to come down from and stay with me in for a few days for a couple of reasons.

1. In mid July I moved apartments from Pyrmont to Glebe in and he wanted to see my new apartment and hang out with me.

LoungeRoom

2. He wanted to see his best friend Rodney off at the airport on Wednesday morning. Rodney was heading over to on a week long snow boarding trip.

3. My parents were heading over to for a 6 week holiday on the Saturday morning. It was to be there first trip overseas together and Lindsay and I were seeing them off. They had been planning this trip for months with constant updates to me on the preparation, including getting passports, booking accommodation, booking trips and asking my advice on what to pack and what happens at the airports. In short they were very, very excited; neither had been overseas since they were kids. (My dad grew up in for a couple of years when he was about 10 and my mother spent 1 week in when she was 19).

4. Lindsay wanted to take some photos in the city. He was very interested in photography and loved taking photos with his digital SLR. They may not have been the most amazing photos, but he did enjoy it.

A few days before he came down we organized what the plan with meeting up would be. He was staying with Rodney on the Tuesday night then going to the airport on Wednesday morning, then coming to my place afterwards. He was going to meet me before I went to work so he had some keys to get in and out...